Writing about everything so that I can write about something

A chaotic glimpse into my mind in hopes of unblocking my ability to write

I’ve been struggling to share my thoughts in public. The main blockers have been 1) I can’t decide which ideas are most relevant, and 2) writing in public is scary because other people might judge you and you might write something and then change your mind in the future. I’ve accepted that neither of these really matters so I’m going to write down all of the things I’m thinking about and move on. My goal is to put thoughts into words in hopes of understanding them better.

Figure it out

Ever since I was 18 I’ve had this pesky voice in my head telling me that I should have everything figured out and all of my actions should be in service of this larger plan. This was very helpful as a young college student as it pushed me to analyze every decision and get internships, get the dream job, live abroad, etc. Now that I’ve seen a glimpse of the real world, I realize that this is not in fact how things work. Life is not about “figuring it out”. There is no destination. The meaning in life lies in the collection of tiny compounding thoughts and experiences that happen over time. I’m currently spending a lot of time experimenting with how to integrate this idea into my life so that I can spend less time worrying about the future and more time living it.

Intuition for the rationally minded

This one is going to get my German passport revoked. After 27 years of being a stone-cold, hard-headed rationalist, I finally warmed up to the (now seemingly obvious) idea that maybe there’s more to life than just logic. Maybe, just maybe, there’s something going on inside of us all, a compass of some sort, that is begging for attention. I’ve started trying to listen to “it” more, whatever that means. This comes about by putting myself in a state of openness and consciously listening to myself. For me, this could be in the form of classic meditation, walking, exercising, listening to music, doing adrenaline sports, etc. Being able to listen to my intuition and trust it is still a WIP, but I’m already seeing positive results.

On freedom, and admitting what you want

Have you ever admitted what you really want? Like really, really want? Not what you think society or other people think you want? It’s crazy how powerful this can be. Just the simple act of writing down what you actually want and not judging yourself for it. Maybe you want a house in a specific neighborhood, but it’s super expensive so you don’t allow yourself to admit it. Maybe you want to be self-employed but you don’t think you can swing it. Here’s a not-so-vulnerable example from my life: I want the option to surf when there are waves, and to ski when there’s fresh powder. You might be thinking, “ok dude, sure, same with every Arc’teryx-wearing WFH yuppie I’ve ever met.” But I’m dead serious, the freedom of time to do these activities is something I really, really want. The problem with admitting what you want is that it’s unlikely to work in your current reality. We have commitments like work, family, bills, etc. Admitting what you want is inconvenient, but I’ve found it to be powerful, even if you don’t end up doing anything about it. I’d highly recommend trying it and seeing how you feel.

Something about friends

Recently I’ve been increasingly grateful for genuine relationships. I don’t try to keep up with everyone’s lives and I don’t have plans every weekend to see people. I’m an introvert and I naturally value a small number of deep relationships, and I am incredibly grateful for the people in my life. There’s something so energizing about showing up as your true self in a relationship, whether that’s a romantic partner, a childhood friend, or a friend you recently met and have a strong connection with. There’s also something about getting older and being less social that makes me feel uneasy and a hint of FOMO. I don’t know what to write about this yet, but I’m excited to both show up for the people in my life and to write more about it.

The world is ending and you should really care

I have this problem where I become obsessed with things that are happening in the world to the point where they become part of my identity. This is an annoying quality to have in a world full of news headlines telling me that “the world is on fire”. I feel like half of my mental capacity is consumed at all times trying to solve all of the things that are “wrong” with the world. For obvious reasons, I’ve decided to make a change. I’m trying to spend less time worrying and more time taking action on things that I actually have control over. My silly little brain was not meant to be bombarded with negative news all day every day, so I’m going to try and protect it while remaining informed about the things that interest me (AMA about China’s calculated push for reserve currency status. No? ok). I hope that over time I can find the right balance here.

Unblocked. I think.