Healing yourself for others

Exploring beyond the walls of the emotional fortress

I recently learned something that changed my life. It’s a lesson about being a man, but not in the way you might think.

In typical male fashion, I’ve spent the first 27 years of my life in somewhat of an emotional fortress. What do I mean by that? I rarely engaged with myself or others in dialogue related to my “feelings”. If this sounds familiar, that’s because it’s extremely common for men to act this way. I think there are many reasons why this is the case.

For one, a lot of guys can get a surprising amount of “emotional support” without actually needing to sit around with their friends, talk about how they’re feeling, and cry about it. Something as simple as exercising together or engaging in thoughtful debate can be an effective way for guys to bond and feel supported. It might sound weird but the experience of doing something challenging together can be a way of saying “I know that you are fighting your own battles, and I’m here for you” without actually needing to say it. This is a good example of how actions can speak louder than words.

The second reason worth mentioning is that growing up, men are taught to be men, and being a man meant sucking it up and showing strength. The narrative was that emotions are a sign of weakness, and young men will do anything in their power to avoid that. I think this narrative is changing in Western culture, but I don’t spend enough time with young people to really know.

The final reason is that everyone is on their own journey, and for a lot of people that journey has not yet led them to a place where they are able to provide emotional support to other people because they have not yet truly faced themselves. By that I mean they are still living in their “emotional fortress”, likely out of perceived necessity.

The problem with the emotional fortress is that it places limits on your interactions with the world. There comes a point where you can make a difference in other people’s lives and in the world by explicitly showing up for people. This can be as simple as you saying to someone, hey, I am here for you if/when you need me. The only way you can reliably do this for other people is to first show up for yourself and explore outside the fortress.

To heal is to repair and strengthen the mind and spirit. But this act of healing is not actually about you. It’s about what you’re able to put back out into the world for others. It’s engaging in hard conversations with yourself so that you can eventually be a better friend/husband/family member/father. Yes, to some extent you eventually need to heal in order for you to live a life of joy, but where this act of healing becomes most powerful is when it allows you to be there for other people.

So maybe being a man is actually healing yourself (not just emotionally but physically, spiritually, etc.) so that you can have the strength, courage, and resources required to show up for the people in your life. You can quite literally make the world better by healing yourself. As a guy who has had a challenging time engaging with and attempting to understand my emotions, this has been one of the single most effective changes in perspective.